[Gunnwesley] Fic: Kungai Part Five 6/20 (Wesley/Gunn, NC17)

[helenraven]

Title: Kungai Part Five 6/20

Author: Helen Raven

Email: helenraven at talk21.com

Pairing: Wesley/Gunn

Summary: The full history of the relationship between
Gunn and Wesley in the Birthdayverse. A novel in six
parts.

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: Not mine, not for profit, not even a blip
on the litigation radar.

The Story's Home Page: http://www.kelper.co.uk/kungai

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Gunn wanted to get back to Wesley. He needed to get
into their bed, press himself along Wesley's back -
like he'd been about to, a day ago now - and hold
Wesley tight. If he held him right, he'd be able to
make things better. He'd smooth down Wesley's pain.
The worst of it, the sharpest edges. Breathe it into
himself and make it melt away into nothing. And when
Wesley woke up (gradually, peacefully), and then
turned in Gunn's arms to see him, that look would be
gone. Just normal guilt, normal grief. Not that
terrible despair.

But he'd told Wesley he'd be checking the streets
again. Asking about the Tak horn and the other
mutilations. And he should because there was a chance.
He didn't need to sleep. Yes, half his thoughts were
about wanting to hold Wesley, but that still left him
enough that he could work. Holding Wesley would have
to wait.

Gunn was home by four; taken a third the time of
yesterday, because no one had anything new to say.
Wesley was having a nightmare, as bad as one of
Angel's, and Angel was huddled in his corner, curled
tight, with his arms wrapped around his head trying to
hide from the sounds.

Wesley let out a cry like a scream when Gunn was
waking him, and then lay gasping, looking shocked and
exhausted. But he recovered quite quickly, especially
once he had his hand on Gunn's arm, holding tight,
steadying. He looked better. "I was dreaming..." He
swallowed and sighed. "Charles. You're dressed
already? What time is it?"

"Around four. I just got in. You don't have to get up,
just tell me when you'll want dinner. What you'd
like."

Wesley wasn't recovered, he'd just forgotten what had
happened; for those first few seconds he'd thought it
was a normal day. Gunn saw the memories slam into him,
and then Wesley was pushing Gunn away and hurrying to
get out of bed.

Gunn got him to shower and shave, and he made tea
while Wesley was getting washed and dressed. Wesley
sat at his desk and Gunn on the arm of the couch, and
they talked over what they could do next. Wesley
thought Hank might live in L.A.; he definitely hadn't
been on the trail with the Kungai, so maybe he was
just Barney's contact for whatever kept bringing him
to L.A. Not much to go on, though, apart from "blue
van". And the best chance of finding him would be if
some demon had seen him, and Swift was handling the
demon side of the investigation so there was nothing
for Gunn or Wesley to do. Also, apart from the
bookstores, they'd seen no sign of Barney having
dealings with humans, so, again, all the leads they
might try next were really with Swift. All they could
probably do was look for ideas and pass them on.
Wesley would research the different demons who'd been
mutilated, see if he could find any patterns, and Gunn
would look for any mention of them online: if he knew
how the attacks had been reported, then he might be
able to recognise others.

Wesley made more tea and Gunn made them both a
sandwich, and then they settled down to work. The
urgency was gone now, it felt almost like working on a
normal case; they made comments and asked questions in
their normal tones, and Wesley was the one who started
reading out items that couldn't really be relevant,
but were interesting enough to share with Gunn.

There was a scratching sound from Angel's room, right
by the door. Gunn looked up and the screen was empty,
and Gunn grunted with surprise because he would have
taken any bet that Angel was still trembling in the
corner.

"Can he - If he could tell me... I don't - But when
he... If he could." Very quiet. Almost a whisper. But
sounding lucid. His sleep couldn't've been longer than
ten, fifteen minutes. Very short.

Gunn stood up and went over to the door. "What's
wrong, Angel? Do you need something?"

A long silence, then: "Can I see him?"

Wesley had already come over. "I can't read with you
right now, Angel. I'm very busy."

A strange sound, choked, then a burning - for maybe
two seconds. "I thought... They had you. I thought...
You escaped? I - I know what they do."

Gunn said, "Sounds like you had a bad dream, Angel.
But Wesley can't read with you now. I'm sorry."

"No! No, I wasn't - I heard him. They had him."

Wesley's nightmare? Which would mean he'd been lucid
the whole time.

"No one did anything to me, Angel. But I can come in
for a minute if you do need to see. You have to move
away from the door, though. Move back as far as your
mattress."

For the first half of the minute Angel just stood and
stared at Wesley, then he reached out to touch his
hand, then up to touch his face. Very, very brief.
Testing. He nodded, trying to smile. "They didn't have
you. I didn't hear it. You're busy now."

"Yes. But I'll see you tomorrow. Why don't you read on
your own?"

Wesley left the apartment while Gunn was calling
Swift. Didn't say where he was going, just took his
keys from the bowl and walked out. Gone to the grocery
store, Gunn thought, then remembered that Wesley's car
was still at the library -and Wesley never drove the
truck, didn't have the keys for it in his set. Too
late to follow by then, so Gunn took the phone to the
window, where he could see the front door. Wesley came
out, went over to the truck, and then just stood on
the sidewalk next to it. He looked like the kid who
always got picked last for the team, standing looking
at the ground, trying to pretend that he wasn't even
noticing it had happened again. What was he doing? Had
he forgotten about the car too? And gotten too
embarrassed to come back in and admit it?

Swift agreed that Barney and Hank would probably not
be found through their dealings with humans. She would
call Gunn if her investigations took a different
direction, but she didn't need him to call in any
more, not as a matter of routine. "Although... This
financial firm... I don't suppose they'd give you an
in to Wolfram and Hart? They must move in the same
circles."

"Wolfram and Hart? That's the law firm, right?"

"If there's a customer in L.A., he'd be rich enough to
afford them. And has probably done things that mean he
needs them."

So Wolfram and Hart dealt with demons? Knew about
them, anyway. It sounded like Gunn should already have
known that. "You think they'd help you, if you did
have an in? You got somethin' to offer?"

Swift sighed. "Well... We don't want their client.
Or..." A pause, then definite: "No. Even if the client
placed an order, Barney's the one we want. So if they
could persuade their client to give Barney up. But,
no, we don't have anything to offer. Nothing to make
them take the risk of even asking the client."

Gunn said slowly, "I might have an in. I haven't met
the guy but he's helped a friend a couple of times.
I'll ask her to call him now. Maybe if he has the
weekend to think about it..."

Gunn called Anne on his way down to the truck. If he
and Wesley left now, they'd have time to pick up
Wesley's car and be ready at the portal in case the
message hadn't got through to the duals. Wesley was
still standing by the truck.

"You look like you forgot what you came out for, Wes.
You OK to swing by the library 'n' get the car?"

During the ride they arranged that Gunn would go to
the portal and Wesley would get some dinner in, and
then they'd carry on with the research. At the car,
when Wesley was about to get out, Gunn said, "Why
d'you go down to the truck back then?"

Wesley shook his head and didn't meet Gunn's eyes.
"She wouldn't have wanted me to be there."

"Eh? Who wouldn't have wanted you? Where?"

"The demon. When you were talking to her."

"You left the apartment because I was on the phone to
Swift?" A nod. "That's kind of crazy, Wes. Where'd'you
get that?"

"I can't... be with demons. Any demon would have to -
If it knew I was - I can't."

"Oh, man. That was the heat of the moment in the
hotel. There's no one gonna go after you. I asked her
last night. They know they could've made the same
mistake. And what was she gonna do over the phone,
anyway?"

"No. They shouldn't have to - even think about me,
whether I might be there. I can't be there."

"Well... OK. I c'n take all our meetings. No problem.
Till you see there's no need for you t'be thinkin'
like that."

Gunn waited for half an hour and the duals didn't
show. Anne got back to him while he was waiting, said
she'd got through to Lindsey at the office. He'd been
weird about the demon stuff, sounded like he wanted to
deny it completely and say she was crazy, but he'd
already put too much into taking her seriously and
they both knew it, and he hesitated enough to give her
a chance to say something of what she'd seen on the
streets, and in the end he'd just said this wasn't a
good time, he had to go into a meeting, he could see
she was set on this, but it would have to wait.

Anne was annoyed but not surprised. She'd been
disappointed in Lindsey when he'd blown her off over
the zombie cops - just given her the same line as the
precinct, blaming it on her kids. "God. Now I'm even
wondering if he knew what was happening, all along.
Just thought... I dunno... that it was OK, all in the
name of law and order." She laughed. "Like they have
daily briefings in there on what's happening in
Precinct 87. Yeah, that's worth their time, that's
what pays for those offices downtown."

"Well... Y'know. Lawyers. Guess you can't get through
the week without having to cover up for at least one
scumbag. No matter where you work or how you started
out." They needed Anne to stay cool with Lindsey, if
Lindsey was ever going to help. Disappointed, sure,
why not? But not all-out angry.

Wesley had been to Trader Joe's and got lasagne.
Smelled good. Gunn had a beer and ate about three
fourths of the dish, and Wesley had water and
struggled with each mouthful of food. Gunn let him be,
let him give up when he himself finished his last
helping. They talked about lawyers, and innocence, and
things you couldn't afford to know, and they left the
dishes to soak and they went back to work.

By ten that night there was simply nothing more they
could do, and they'd both been agreeing on that for
the last half hour. Gunn turned off the computer and
went to stand behind Wesley's chair, put his hand on
Wesley's shoulder. "Wes? It's been a day and a half
now and we haven't talked about it. Not really. You
gotta let me help."

Wesley shrugged out from under Gunn's hand and stood
up. Looking down at the seat of his chair: "There's
nothing to talk about." Then suddenly up at Gunn, eyes
hard and fierce: "Everyone knows what I did."

How had Gunn imagined Wesley was going to react, after
what he'd been seeing all day? But Wesley didn't have
to keep going any more. He could let go. Gunn had to
show him he could let go. "You think? So whadda they
know?"

Wesley flinched but didn't look away. "That I'd betray
them for a meal. I'd betray myself. I was feeding them
a lie, right from the start."

"That's bullshit! You got them way past that before we
even left the hotel. You made a mistake. Hit the worst
kind of bad luck, and made a normal mistake."

Wesley was shaking his head. "I lied. I was scared
then. And I lied. Of course I -" He swallowed. "You
don't know. You don't know me."

"Oh, you -" A pause. "No, I guess I don't, 'cos I sure
as hell don't get why you're lying to me now. You
think I'll forget what I saw?"

"You never understood what you saw. I've done
things... What I am -" Shaking his head again. "You'd
be ashamed you'd ever been seen with me. Ever trusted
me."

"Wesley!" Gunn made to grab Wesley's arm, wanting to
shake him, but then stopped himself and took a
stumbling step back, even before Wesley did. "Wes,
don't do this, don't make me do this. Let me - God,
what I've been needin' to do since - Let me hold you
and - Just let me hold you."

"No." Almost spat out, and Wesley moved back halfway
to the door.

Gunn clutched at his head then reached out, unable to
stop himself. "Wes... Wes... You any idea what it's
like to see you like this? You let me - You let me
when Angel hurt you. Oh, man, you have to let go."

Wesley sighed, and most of the tension and hardness
went out of him. "Charles. I'm sorry. I know you want
to help. But there is no help. There can't be. I can't
let you... I can't." Hard again. "I don't want - It."

Not want your boyfriend to hold you when you were
hurting? More bullshit. And Gunn would call him on it.
But not now, that was as much arguing as Gunn could
take for now. Tomorrow. Yeah. He knew how he'd start,
with Angel needing to be held, and Wesley practically
lying to Gunn so he could give Angel what he needed.

"There anything you do want? Anything I can do?"

A long pause, then a shrug. "Watch some television.
Play one of your games. Have a beer. It's Friday
night."

"You want to watch T.V.?"

An abrupt shake of the head. "I'm going to bed."

"OK. Didn't get much sleep last night either. Yeah,
we'll go to bed."

Impatience, in a frown and a sigh. "I want to be alone
for a few hours. Can you do that?"

"Uh. I guess I'll play Quake, then."

"Thank you." Wesley went into the bathroom.

Gunn got a beer and was setting up the joystick and
headphones when Wesley came out again. "You don't have
to use the headphones. The noise won't bother me."

"I've got used to playing with them. Helps me
concentrate."

A slow nod. "Good night, then. Thank you, Charles."

Gunn was seriously tired by midnight, but kept going
for another hour. Wesley was lying on top of the
covers, hadn't taken off anything except his shoes.
And he was on his left side (which he hated to lie on,
just hated), so his back was towards Gunn's side of
the bed. He was awake; not that he gave any sign of
being aware of Gunn, but it was in his breathing.

Gunn got undressed and got properly into bed, and lay
on his back, looking up at the ceiling. This was what
Wesley wanted, wasn't it? Layers between them like
they were strangers, stranded in some nameless town,
told how lucky they were to get to share the last room
in the motel.

Wesley had coped for too long alone. Gunn had said
that to him, a year ago. But it wasn't just the coping
with Angel. It was with his family, too, and with
everything they'd set him up for. What had he said?
People treating him like a management spy. For years.
Yeah, he'd let Gunn help before, in the bad times with
Angel. But this, it had driven him far, far back, to
worse times. When there was no help. Like he'd said.

Gunn turned onto his side, towards Wesley. Time. This
was going to take time. If he could, he'd pick Wesley
up in his arms, carry him forward by a week, a month.
However long Wesley needed to forgive himself. To stop
needing to say those things about himself. Love ought
to be enough. To be able to go to the Powers (to
something), and say, "I love him. You know how much I
love him. So he doesn't, he doesn't have to go through
this. It's my right."

But maybe Wesley did just need time on his own. Like
his weekend in San Diego. He'd let Gunn help, but
really he'd sorted himself out. And he'd done it
quickly. So maybe Gunn shouldn't push, shouldn't try
to break through. He should give him space. Ask if he
wanted to go away again. Yeah, he'd coped too long on
his own, but he'd gotten good at it.

"We have to stop our work. We can't do it anymore. I -
We'll send them their files. Refund everything they've
paid."

Gunn took his time figuring out what he should say.
"Give 'em the option, yeah. It'd look drastic, though,
if they ain't even asked. Look like we're dissin' 'em.
Gotta count against us when the time looks right to
start up again. Be better, anyway, to try to keep
going. Keep the momentum. Bein' drastic... People'll
watch it on T.V, but they don't wanna do business with
it."

Wesley sighed and rolled onto his back. "Charles. You
talk as if... How people see us. What people want.
That's - the least. I can't work with demons any more.
I've lost the right. I'm not an expert. I don't know
anything. How can I... tell any demon anything? I
don't trust myself. I never will."

Now that was drastic. And what could you say except,
"You'll change your mind. Eventually."? "OK. I get it.
I'll call 'em all. Explain. Just sendin' stuff back...
We wanna treat 'em like people, right?"

"I - Would you? I can't talk to them. But I wouldn't
ask you to."

"I know." Gunn wanted to talk to the demons. Was gonna
be tough. Explaining. Listening. But if enough said
they did still trust Wesley... Wesley wasn't in a
state to hear that, not now, but maybe in a month.
"I'll start tomorrow. I'll do it from the truck. Go
somewhere. S'you don't have to be there."

"Thank you."

"What if there's a case I can do on my own? 'n' they
still want it done? How'd you be with that?"

Very quietly: "You've done nothing wrong."

"I told Piriti that you'd saved an empath demon. From
the Kungai. So he told Barney."

"You didn't know."

And neither did you. "What about the duals? You want
me to stop that too? Find some humans to train with.
We still have to deal with the visions, right?"

"I don't know. About the visions. I suppose... we'll
see. But, yes, we have to stop the duals. And we have
to train." Tense: "Does Grouw know yet?"

"I told him this afternoon. And Piriti. They're
helping Swift. She thanked me for sending them."

"Good. That's good." On an exhausted sigh, and then
Wesley got himself back onto his left side. After a
while he did fall asleep, and then Gunn slept too.


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