[Gunnwesley] Fic: Kungai Part Five 18/20 (Wesley/Gunn, NC17)

[helenraven]

Title: Kungai Part Five 18/20

Author: Helen Raven

Email: helenraven at talk21.com

Pairing: Wesley/Gunn

Summary: The full history of the relationship between
Gunn and Wesley in the Birthdayverse. A novel in six
parts.

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: Not mine, not for profit, not even a blip
on the litigation radar.

The Story's Home Page: http://www.kelper.co.uk/kungai

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It was lunchtime. Gunn was only aware of how much time
had passed when he heard the clattering of crockery
starting from the restaurants down below.

"You hungry?" Wesley shook his head. "Me neither.
Still kinda feel I should make you eat but... don't
wanna move." Wesley just smiled. Gunn didn't think
he'd sunk back into not speaking - looked like he was
just feeling lazy and peaceful, even more than Gunn.
But Gunn started thinking about the bad days that
Wesley was going to keep on having, and wondering if
some of them were going to be bad enough to bring in
all of Wesley's breakdowns - whatever the other
breakdowns had been about. Gunn wished he could leave
Wesley to be peaceful, but they both knew now that
he'd been right to push Wesley to tell him about the
first breakdown. They needed to get this all done. And
why not get it done quickly?

"Wes? D'you want to tell me about the other
breakdowns? Tell me why you got so you couldn't speak.
Till last Wednesday I thought it was 'cos you were
sulkin' with me. But I got that totally wrong, didn't
I?"

Wesley took a very deep breath and closed his eyes
tight for a second, but he was already nodding,
getting ready to tell. "It was about Angel. About what
happened when you found out what I'd been doing with
him."

Gunn frowned. "I took away the key. I stopped feeding
him." That was all he'd ever found to do. Apart from
walking out and staying out for the rest of the day.
But how could that leave a man scared rigid of any
kind of talking?

"It wasn't what you did. It was what you said you'd -"
Wesley swallowed. "It was the idea of being gagged. If
I tried to talk to him." Wesley spoke quickly, and
then immediately looked down, away from Gunn's face.

"The idea of - You - You never figured I was bluffing?
You were really thinking I'd do that?" Gunn felt cold
all over.

"You said you would." Wesley was still looking away.
His voice had gone thin, battered. "You left that
message for Angel. You said you would. You... You were
expecting to do it every time you listened to the
tape."

"No, man, no. I was bluffing. I never said it to you
direct. I know I didn't. I just said, 'Here's what
I've told Angel.' So if I ever did catch you then when
I didn't follow through I'd still be open to make it
something else. Not have it look like I was backin'
down. Him, yeah, I wanted him to believe it, leave you
alone, but I thought you must've figured it out inside
ten minutes. Didn't ever mean to do more than shock
you. No way I could've gone through with it. Jeez, I
can't even make myself say that word! Not when it's
about you. That'd be sick."

Wesley had closed his eyes. He was frowning deeply,
breathing hard. A long pause, then he reached out with
his eyes still closed, slid his hand down Gunn's arm
to his wrist, and gripped tight enough to make Gunn
wince. Almost a whisper: "You would have had the
right. If I'd tried to talk to him after what I'd -"

Gunn put his hand over Wesley's and stroked his thumb
across the knuckles. "No one's got that right, Wes.
Not for anything. You saying you wanted to talk to
him? Wanted it bad?"

Wesley shook his head. He slowly eased his grip on
Gunn's wrist, and then he looked at Gunn. "No. We'd
talked enough. More than enough." A brief frown,
looked like pain, and Wesley dropped his gaze again.
"He was always in there listening. With your message
to tell him - It was the idea... if I did say
anything... that he'd hear everything, he'd hear you
doing it. And that made the thought of the gagging
seem ten times worse than if you and I were the only
people who knew about it. But then if he woke to see
the message and he didn't hear me speaking, then he'd
probably think that you'd already done it. He'd
imagine me at my desk like that or - or - or - He'd
imagine it. I could feel him in there listening.
Waiting to hear you do it or to find out if you'd
already done it. And if I spoke, to show him I wasn't
gagged, then I would be talking to him. Whoever I
spoke to, whatever I said, it would really be meant
for him. So my voice..." He shook his head, over and
over. "Making the decision to speak." A shaking sigh.
"It seemed like an impossible responsibility, for me
to make that decision. Just thinking about it... I'd
go frozen with panic. It got worse every day. My
throat felt sealed up. Full of stones. I couldn't use
it. I couldn't let myself use it."

Gunn remembered Wesley lying on the bed after Lilah
brought him back from the library. Gunn had asked
Wesley to speak to him (begged him, almost), and
Wesley had looked at him so seriously - he'd been
wanting to speak, hadn't he, for Gunn's sake? - and
then Wesley had looked towards Angel's room and he'd
started writhing with tension. Panic. God, yeah, that
was panic. Wes scared so bad he'd locked himself down
to just one rule. So that was the second breakdown.
And Gunn had made it happen.

Gunn brought his hand up very slowly, brushed his
fingertips down Wesley's cheek, then touched them to
Wesley's throat - the lightest touch he knew how to
give. Wesley looked at him, as serious as he'd been
after the library, then started to stroke the inside
of Gunn's wrist, his touch as slow and careful as
Gunn's. They knew how to reassure each other. They
knew how to trust each other with touch. They always
had.

Gunn was the first to speak, brought back again to
thinking about Wesley having bad days, about finally
starting to help Wesley through this. "Is it being so
far away from him here? That's why you got your voice
back? You know he can't be listening? It's safe?"

Wesley nodded. "I would have thought I'd need a month
away from him to really believe it. To feel safe
enough. But then I would never have guessed that I'd
react like that to the idea of the gag. I - I suppose
it's seemed like my real mission in life for so long:
to try to imagine what he's thinking. These days we've
had here... I think this is the first time in the year
and more that I've been in love with you that I've
been able to spend enough of my thoughts on you as a
worthwhile partner should. As I know you've always
done with me, even when I've been doing least to
deserve it. Here... Angel's finally far enough away
that there's nothing I could possibly do. He'd finally
not my problem. I hadn't even realised until now how
much of my attention I was always... holding in
reserve for him. Or how much more I would like myself
when I was spending it properly on you."

Gunn smiled but shook his head. "I like you both ways,
Wes. I don't need you to think about me just like I
think about you. I'm not keepin' score. You could give
me half of this, a tenth, I'd be happy. 'n' it's not
like... you got me so starved, I'll take any scraps.
Doesn't feel like scraps. Even when you're doin' your
craziest stuff with him I know I'm the only one you'd
be choosin' to think about if you had a normal life.

* * * * *


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