[Gunnwesley] Fic: Kungai Part Six 5/12 (Wesley/Gunn, NC17)

[helenraven]

Title: Kungai Part Six 5/12

Author: Helen Raven

Email: helenraven at talk21.com

Pairing: Wesley/Gunn

Summary: The full history of the relationship between
Gunn and Wesley in the Birthdayverse. A novel in six
parts.

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: Not mine, not for profit, not even a blip
on the litigation radar.

The Story's Home Page: http://www.kelper.co.uk/kungai

-----------------------

Angel wasn't lucid for the rest of Friday or any of
Saturday, and they fed him when he seemed deepest in
hell. At 6:12 on Sunday morning he had another
mis-sent vision - his third. Gunn thought it was
shorter than the others, not as violent, but it could
be he'd gotten used to them already. They got Angel
onto the mattress, covered him with the blanket, and
went back to bed.

Angel started groaning in pain at 4:38 in the
afternoon, definitely quicker to come round than after
the last mis-sent vision, by at least two hours. He
was not pleased to see them, shared the same
suspicious glare between both of them while Gunn was
standing guard on Wesley placing the bowl by the side
of the mattress then pulling away the blanket. When
Wesley had taken himself out of the way, Gunn stepped
forward to put the pills next to Angel's hand. "I'll
leave these here, for you to take when you're ready."
The glare got worse as he was bending down, and he was
already poised to jump back when Angel let out a roar
of outrage and flipped himself to his feet to throw
himself at Gunn. Before they had even started sliding
the bolts, Gunn knew that Angel had stopped his
charge, but it wasn't until he stepped back to look at
the screen that he could make sense of the changed
sounds.

Angel was retching, sprawled on the floor with his
hands clutching his head on all sides, like he was
trying to keep it still while his body was convulsing.
Or just like he was trying to hold his skull together,
stop it cracking open. Or stop it melting. His moans
were thin with disbelief, a helpless pleading.

"There's gotta be somethin' we can do." Gunn was
whispering, he didn't know why. "Get him a doctor, get
a message to the Powers. This isn't right."

Wesley was shaking his head. "We tried that when we
first realised there was damage. The Powers... they
won't accept any approach from our kind. There's no
doctor who can make a difference to a seer. To any
kind of seer."

"This isn't..." Gunn was getting a headache himself
just from watching. He rubbed his hand hard over his
face then squeezed the bridge of his nose. "This isn't
what he signed up for. If he could've seen himself
now, he'd've said a big 'yes' back when you offered
him a way out."

Wesley sighed and swallowed. "We don't know that,
Charles. And we can't ask him now, because he doesn't
know the full situation. I'm not ruling out... But
it's too early even to discuss this." Wesley turned
away, went over to the bookshelf on the far side of
his desk, and made like there was nothing else in his
mind except looking for that one book.

"I'm sorry, Wes." Gunn had needed half a minute to
decide to follow him. But he'd been right and Wesley's
problem wasn't with him: Wesley turned immediately
under the hand on his shoulder and held himself
against Gunn.

Against Gunn's neck: "I don't know how many times I've
thought, 'It's terrible that he's immortal. It's
terrible.' "

"Yeah, it is." And they stayed like that in silence as
the sounds from Angel's room got gradually slower and
more and more exhausted. The last sound was his hand
sliding off his head to land heavily on the floor. He
didn't move in the time before they left for training
with the crew, but while they were gone he managed to
crawl backwards the four feet or so to the mattress,
and he was lying on his back looking at least three
fourths dead.

Gunn felt like a bath instead of the usual shower
after training, and he lay and thought about Wesley's
"collage" idea and why he didn't buy it. OK, maybe it
was a mess of things stuck together, more than they'd
seen from him before, but it wasn't random, not the
way Wes had decided when he'd said they shouldn't
bother to guess. Angel had been blazingly angry with
Gunn, had held onto that even through a vision, and
the same with the trigger of touching his hand. Wesley
and sex... Feeling confused and betrayed about Wesley
and sex, when he'd seemed "content" the day before
(no, the week before).

Maybe Angel hid a lot from Wesley. Gunn could
understand that. Angel saying to Gunn, "Don't leave
him." Yeah, he'd had ideas of his own then about what
was going on with Wesley. And when he'd needed to tell
them, he'd told Gunn.

He'd hide things from Wesley because Wesley mattered
to him, he had too much to lose there. And he might
tell the truth to Gunn for the opposite reasons -
might at any time but especially now when he was so
angry.

If Gunn could get him on his own, manage to keep away
from all of Angel's triggers, and convince Angel that
he did want to understand... Or at least: make it more
satisfying for Angel to keep on talking to him than to
make a leap for his throat. No, he wasn't going to
discuss this with Wesley. But he did want to get more
prepared.

"Have you been sucking him off?" Just after they'd
settled in bed. Totally matter-of-fact.

Wesley gave a start of surprise but recovered quickly,
like he'd known to expect this. "No. I've been jerking
him off. That's as far as I'd ever go. I decided that
before... I went in the first time."

"He ask for more?"

Wesley shook his head. "Not after I'd explained that
anything else would require too much involvement on my
part. He's not my lover. I'm glad to offer contact.
Guaranteed release. But he mustn't ask for anything
that he knows is only for you."

"So you just jerk each other off?"

Another shake. "He's not allowed to see me naked. He's
not allowed to touch me like that. Maybe I'm his lover
but it's essential that he knows that he isn't mine."

Gunn remembered Wesley in the laundry room, the
morning after that vision of the vamps at the UCLA
dorm - ("I'd be happy to suck you off. But I couldn't
do it as a lover.") - and he closed his eyes tight for
two long, deep breaths. "Wes." A sigh. "That would
break my heart."

"You think it's cruel?"

Gunn gave a shrug; and then nodded several times.

Wesley looked thoughtful. "He really doesn't - didn't
- seem to think so. There was... affection but with
limits in the manner of expressing it."

"You kiss?" Wesley nodded. "You roll around on the
mattress?" Another nod. "You get him all-the-way
undressed?"

A shrug. "It depends on his mood."

Gunn frowned. "It's gotta turn you on."

"Yes, but... he's not allowed to see me come. To do
anything to try to make me. I only want that with you.
I don't try to pretend I'm indifferent to him. Well, I
couldn't. But you're the one I'm involved with."

Gunn rolled over onto his side, slid his hand onto
Wesley's stomach, and teased his two lowest fingers
further and further along the line of hairs down to
the groin. "Involved to the hilt." They smiled at one
another, and Wesley stroked the inside of Gunn's arm
with the back of his fingers.

"But it's cruel?"

"No, I... I don't know now. Cruel if you were doing it
to Matt or someone. If he was really stuck on you.
'cos it'd be keepin' him stuck on you when he
should've given up in a week and gone lookin' for
someone available. But for Angel it's this or nothin'
and - yeah, like you said, sounds like a stable
arrangement. Guess he has fantasies, but - He's never
acted, has he, like he wanted all of you?"

* * * * *

On Monday, Wesley got a call from one of the
bookstores, asking if he could go to Santa Barbara the
next day to evaluate the library for an estate that
was being sold. The bookstore guy had a family
emergency, and he trusted Wesley's eye. Forty bucks
for the trip, plus expenses.

Wesley left at ten on Tuesday morning, when Angel had
been lucid for about half an hour. The pain seemed to
be gone, but Angel was still angry with them; he
wouldn't look at them or speak to them, but he was
matter-of-fact about following Wesley's instructions
for keeping his distance at feeding time, and he
didn't throw the empty beaker at them but put it back
on the carpet and then went to kneel by the wall.

Gunn waited twenty minutes after Wesley left - enough
time for Wesley to come back for anything he'd
forgotten - and then he knocked on Angel's door.
"Angel, it's Charles. I need to talk to you about what
Wesley and I have done to make you so angry with us."
Angel was over in his corner, but Gunn could see him
shaking his head. Not yelling at Gunn to go fuck
himself, though, so a good start. Gunn opened the
door.

"I know you don't want to talk to me, but I'm here
'cos I want things to get better. Man, what you got to
lose by givin' me some time?" Angel turned his head
even further to the wall. Gunn walked slowly to the
mid-point, where they put the beaker, and dropped down
on one knee to be at Angel's level.

"Guess you'll think I'm lyin' when I say I don't know
what I've done. Been told I'm bad for holdin' grudges,
but just, you know, 'kinda bitter'. You goin' 's far
as 'vindictive'... That's a shock, man. 'specially now
when - Yeah, I've got weird in the past 'bout you 'n'
Wesley, got jealous 'n' done some things I shouldn't.
But I'm totally over that now. It's good that you
guys're close. So I - You're gonna have to tell me,
what I'm doin' that makes you say 'vindictive'. 'cos
from what I'm feelin', I ain't got nothin' to guess
on."

Angel hadn't shown any reaction, except a few times to
shift his head very slightly against the wall. A long,
long pause, then he slowly turned his head to look at
Gunn - to stare at him. His expression was suspicious
and hostile, but with just enough shifts to give hope
that there was puzzlement in there, some new questions
about Gunn.

After maybe half a minute: "The headaches are bad."

"Man! Understatement? Never heard of anything like
that. God, I wish I knew something to do to help.
Really help."

Open puzzlement. Surprise. Doubt. Then, very quietly:
"Trust me. Let me go."

Gunn's turn to be surprised. "Let you go where, Angel?
You think there's a place they can treat you?"

Angel shook his head and raised his hand to press his
fingertips up past his hairline. Impatient: "Take this
off me. Make them stop."

Gunn reran the last few exchanges in his mind, then
blinked hard and jabbed his finger onto his
breastbone. "You think I've got the power to make your
headaches stop? Angel, I -"

"You made them permanent?" Spat out.

They stared at one another, very different shades of
disbelief.

"You think I laid them on you. In revenge or
punishment or something. Because I don't trust you?"

Angel nodded, very definite, the one who couldn't be
fooled. "It was the only way you'd agree to come back.
After he got better. If it wouldn't happen again
because I'd never dare - I wouldn't even think
about..." He closed his eyes tight and swallowed, then
sighed and looked at Gunn again. "And I know he's
yours but the headaches are too much. It's not
justice." A whisper, dreading the answer: "Did you
make them permanent?"

"Oh, Angel." Gunn dragged his hand over his head. "You
got it all wrong. I can see why but - You got it all
wrong. I do, I do wish to god I knew where the
headaches came from. Then I'd know where to start in
gettin' you free. But I don't. I'm sorry. And, yeah,
there's some stuff between you two I don't want to
happen again, because it was a large part of how he
got so sick. But -" A pause. "I guess I need to know
what the headaches were supposed to stop you from
thinking about. The way you'd figured it. Just about
fuckin' him hard enough to leave bruises? Or about
normal things like kissin' him 'n' havin' him touch
you?"

Angel closed his eyes and shook his head. "Anything.
Wanting anything would.... The strongest thing I
should ever be thinking about him was that he was
yours. Wanting anything would mean that I hadn't
managed to respect... I had to respect - You."

"Angel, I -" A long sigh. "There's some things I gotta
respect too. Had to learn that I gotta respect. You
said he's mine. He's yours too, in a different way.
Some ways, lots of ways, you're more important to him
than me. We're here - him 'n' me - because he's
totally committed to taking care of you. If I turned
around and said to him, 'OK. I've had enough. I wanna
get outta here 'n' live a normal life... Well, I know
for a fact he wouldn't leave you. He'd choose you.
Every time." A shrug. "I like the share we've got of
him now. I wouldn't change it."

More staring. Eventually: "You're telling the truth."
Shaking his head. "You never knew about the headaches.
So he wasn't trying to make me... It meant the same,
it meant something good." Pure relief.

"Uh - No, we didn't know what you thought about the
headaches. What was causin' them. I guess you were
angry with Wesley if you thought he was letting me do
that to you?" Either a coward, or cruel, that's what
Angel had said.

Angel sighed. "He was still touching me. Being close.
I thought he wanted to see the power he had over me.
Or that you were making him. I thought I'd never known
him."

They'd been so busy with their own theories about the
visions, they never wondered if Angel had a theory of
his own - when all Angel knew was the headaches had
started just after they got back, and that he'd seen
Gunn plenty angry in the weeks before they left.

Gunn told Angel that Wesley might not be back that
day, but he would definitely get to see him the next
day. He offered to get Angel something to read, they
cleared up the mess from the last books, and then Gunn
took some of the beer money, went to Barnes and Noble,
and bought another art book and another copy of the
salt book.

Angel spent the next few hours sitting in his
reading-place, sometimes reading, sometimes drawing,
sometimes drifting off to stare across at nothing.
When Wesley got home around five, Angel was asleep on
the mattress having a good dream about Wesley and sex.
Wesley looked surprised, said, "Now there's a
flashback," and Gunn told him what had really been
happening with Angel.

Wesley was so impressed with Gunn, so relieved, so
grateful. Gunn didn't give it to Wesley word-for-word,
nothing about how he knew Angel was more important to
Wesley. He just said he'd managed to convince Angel
that he'd got over being jealous, he knew Angel wasn't
disrespecting him. They tore up Angel's angry
drawings, then went to roll around on their own
mattress.

Angel woke up while Wesley was starting the
preparations for dinner, and he heard Wesley's voice
and called for him, very confident, very eager.

"I'll be with you in a minute, Angel." Wesley was
turning off the cooker and putting the liver and
everything back in the fridge. Gunn got his jacket and
cellphone, kissed Wesley a quick goodbye then went
down to his truck; they'd already talked this through:
how Gunn didn't want to see or hear any of it, how
he'd go for a drive and Wesley would call him when it
was over.

He went to Manhattan Beach, got a coffee, and sat in
the truck and looked at the ocean. Last time he was
here was a month ago, when Angel was chained up and
Wesley wasn't talking to him. God, how did he even
recognise himself?

He was OK with what they were doing, he really was.
Yeah, it gave him a jolt; the idea of seeing them kiss
sent a spike slamming through his heart and his gut.
But then the idea of Angel trusting Wesley again,
Wesley knowing he could give Angel that affection and
that release, and not have to worry about hiding it
from Gunn... A warm glow, that spread further than the
jolt, and lasted much longer.

* * * * *


-----------------------

Rather read Kungai in HTML or PDF? See http://www.kelper.co.uk/kungai